Teshah's Xanga

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 01:27:31 GMT

What issit i have to learn?

On the verge of tears, i have to start relying on no one
but myself.

An empty apartment,
An empty contacts list
and
The only person in the room is me.

Sometimes we fall,

we cry,

we break.

It only makes us stronger.

But nonetheless,

we still have to go thru the pain that makes us stronger.

The pain that is unbearable at the moment of time.

Ill be fine.

Right now i just dont know what i want anymore,
when everything gets shattered.

Im supposed to be strong.

Supposed.

Should.

Strong.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:26:18 GMT

Scars.
How till today i carry the scars you gave me.

How do you deal with jealousy.
How do you deal with the emotional response
your body has to deal with.

A girl flirts ceremoniously infront of ur loved one;
and they say nothing but, 'its nothing'.

You never understood how hurt it made me,
and all you did was projected it on my insecurities.
That i was being paranoid.

Truth is, I can guarentee u 100% in that time we
were arguing our way through suspicion,
that she liked u.

That she actually DID like you.

That all this time i was right.

Man i cant believe how hurt i still am.
I hate thinking about the past because i can still feel it.

But of course it is all also my fault.

I dont know what it is;

to feel so insecure to the fact that every girl that is nice to u seems
like a definate threat to me.

Think.

Year 10. R.
R broke up with you for the girl you kissed at his bday party.
He hooked up with her one week after we broke up.
They lasted longer.
They were happier.

Curiosity kills.

Well in reality it hurts.

Heart pounding, memories brought about, the scent of a tear in my eye.

The end.

I cant be fucked going through that emotional journey again.

p/s
you have no idea what i have to go through.
How much hurt that has build up throughout the 18 years.
Of questioning myself,

Will i ever be worth it to someone?

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:18:22 GMT

.Theres a sharp pain in my chest.

So its 2.11am and im up with serious OCD.
I cant sleep, my mind is being a fucking pain in the dick
because it wont let me sleep.

I swear,
if i didnt have a 9.30 class tomorrow and 4 exams next week,
I wouldve reorganized the whole house by now.

Had stress attack before.
One where i was physically pinned down by the stress overload.
One call back home and mummy made it all better.

"Next few days, just take some rest. You're just recovering from
being sick, so sleep in and just relax. Then when you regain your energy,
study. You've got four exams - face one at a time."

Then she updated me about the whole current issue going on
in the world now.
Its so cute shes kinda like my little CNN.
She told me bout how AIG (biggest insurance company in USA) has lost
600 billion dollars of shares.

Oh man i swear i paid so much attention because i wanna go around
telling my friends this. LOL.
I wanna be updated on 'current issues' and sound smart. :)

Other than that,
Im taking it easy this weekend.
Im so lucky my boyfriend doesnt mind me studying my arse off
even when he stays over this weekend.
He couldve just been a sook and stayed home.

And then he's taking me to the aquarium.
I wanted to see penguins but theres no penguins :(

Hahaha, im so excited.
Oh the little adventures my boyfriend takes me on :)

This is what im NOT seing this weekend :(
boo.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:07:13 GMT

Too true.

Another one of those mondays.
Another one of those times wishing i didnt go out on saturday.
Another one of those moments where i wish Aydin didnt have to go home.

But you know what, right now i feel alright.

I jsut watched Sex and the city (the movie) and it is
one of the best feel good movies ever.

I feel a tad bit better.

Friendships and love.
Thats what it really is all about.

Sometimes, I get scared. Its the fear of insecurity.
The fear that nothing is definite.

And i think thats something ive been searching for in my relationships.
I know that pressuring someone to reassure you that its the 'real thing',
is actually putting a strain on yourself & the relationship.
But as girls, u know, we cant really help it.

2 of my closest girlfriends here got screwed over by guys.
Its upsetting to see how people have to go through the pain of the risk of being in love.

But i guess thats it.
The risk, the challenge, The fight of love.

Ive been sick so much lately it truly is running me down.
But sometimes all you need is a little inspiration again, that little gist of
motivation that reminds you of the best of yourself.

A photo of a cute little outfit i whipped up from my
all-over-the-place walk in :)

Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever ours.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 12:46:44 GMT

A thrilling nightmare.

Tears filled and all of that.
I didnt know what was going on.
Another rough day,
another tough day.

I thought i was just coming down.

At one point i got so emotional that i just kinda broke.
I cnat handle being sick.
Besides the physical pain,
i have to deal with my imbalanced emotions as well.
Unbalance? Imbalanced?

I took a walk.

To the edge of crown and back.

Saved again by the boyfriend.

Who listened to me mumble out my baby words and
cried and cried out useless reasons.

I really wanna go back home now.
Being sick just reminds me off home and how much i wanna be back.
But i know im running away.

Theres so many bad memories,
so many haunting ones that just push me away from home.

Im just scared to go back and face it.

Truth is,

I didnt really wanna run away from the first place.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:02:36 GMT

A million steps too big.

So its hard to be brought back to reality every start of the week.
Mind twisted, body over reacting.
My breathing sequence has lost its sync.

But it has finally caught up to me.

It has finally caught up to me.

I start to see changes.
The anger rages and the impatientry of the seconds
that go too slow.

Its hard to see someone change in front of you;
coz then you start to realize that you're not the same either.

I just watched the movie Crazy Beautiful.
Its simply beautiful.
Makes me cry coz it brings me back to home.
Brings me back to 2003. 2002. 2oo1.

I'll stop when I know when to stop.
And i realized that i need to stop.
This is the time to stop.

Went to the Royal Melbourne Show last week.
Its like this mini-carnival thing.
Rides, cotton candy and little booth games.

I spent about $50 on stupid games just tryna win a big duck.
Aydin was trying hard too, i gave up after $50 bucks.
he insisted on trying to this number luck game.
You buy a card on it has 6 numbers, if it matches
the lucky numbers on the wall u win a toy.

We bought like 20 tickets and didnt win anything.

xo

Monday, September 22, 2008

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:33:18 GMT

Pharmacy: Hells Bells

too much on my mind.
cbf writing it down,
i got a huge folio due wednesday!

in the mean time hope u love the photos.
trippy as usual :P

Monday, September 15, 2008

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 09:55:01 GMT

So this weekend was different.

It is the first time in like a month i havent been out on a satday night.
which is good =]
Had a house party though but didnt take photos.

Today is a monday and i hate mondays.
I have never ever had a monday where i felt good or un-sickly.
Maybe its coz mondays Aydin goes home.
Or maybe coz mondays I have class.
and maybe coz mondays is the end of another great weeekend.

The weekend just past though,
was a tad bit different.
Things happened, words spoken, feelings on a sleeve,
emotions involved.

THIS weekend though is Pharmacy's 8th Birthday.
Which means another event to rockit out hardcore.

Its september now.
and in two months and 2 weeks i will be back home.
Im not so sure whats going to happen,
not so sure im ready for it.
But oh well, my life's changed this much,
cant get any more different.

My boys: Moogs (black)- The ultimate soul mate
Roachie (Red) - The cutie newb mate
Aydin - The one that makes me smile

Wild ways.

Me & Stace.
I look like a boy here LOL.
scattered sundays. x]

Another emo monday.
Tough week this week, but reward by Friday. =]

tata. x

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 10:55:41 GMT

This song brings back so many
memories.

Theres no question who I wrote this for.

I remember
your red hair.
international dinner.
dimmed lights and the speakers being louder than i hoped for.
my voiced echoed the room.
some girl standing front of stage recording me :)
ur black dress.

Everysingle word i meant in this song.
Every. single. word.
You were, still are, my inspiration of hope.
Its hard to explain.

Thinking on the tram to Uni.
And i walked back today.
Sun shining and all that, ipod plugged in,
good to clear my mind apparently.

Todays sunshine made me happy.
It made me so absolutely happy its not even funny.
I felt thinner. The air seemed fresher.
And my life seemed so worthwhile.

Anyways this song is possibly my only vice.
The only song that could bring me back to me.
The one song that made me.

Its hard to explain.

So,

tomorrow is another night with the gang

and my boyfriend staying over.<3

Hes the one thing that can never fail from cheering me up.

Im not lying to myself this time.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 05:48:19 GMT

So meeting the parents. dad.

wowowow.
i swear my heart was beating a million times an hour.
I was so nervous that i almost bit my finger off. or maybe two. or three.

So happy fathers day austraaaalians =]
on sunday night we went out to a Turkish restaurant, naturally, since my boyfriends
family is from the origins of Turkey.
The food was amazing.
Despite having a huge night out before, my appetite didnt fail me.
Oh man, how can i have ever missed Turkish food before this.

So Aydins dad is cute. Round n kinda short with a strong accent i have to
pause to listen to.
Ferra, his sister, and her boyfriend, Pasc was supposed to come.
So im like oh yeah, sister's bringing the boyfriend i wont feel so awkward.'
not.
Turns out,

Only, Aydins dad, Aydin's brother (onur), Aydin, and I ended up going
out for dinner.
Thats 3 turkish men and one very asian looking asian in a full serving
turkish restaurant.
it was simplistically picture perfect i must say.

Other than that,
I ended up staying over in a spare room and woke Aydin up at 9.30.
LOL. Since i was woken up then.
and we he introduced me to Sujuk, which is apparently
Jesse's orgasm meal, and ended up watching TV during the day.
The mom cooked a nice roast and Aydin bounced around asking his mom for
buttered rice, the way his aunt makes it.

I repeat,

buttered rice.

The mom chucked 1/3 of a block of butter in the pot.

So now,

on days where I cant fast, I have opted to walk to Uni and back.
The boyfriends fetish with buttered rice, chocolate ice cream and mee goreng
will not be very favourable to my hips.

Lol.
All for now.

x